I have never been the strong silent type. Whenever anything bad, sad, wonderful, hilarious, frustrating or awesome happens to me, I talk about it. That’s just who I am.
A little while ago, my husband and I decided it was time to try for our first child. We were thrilled (and admittedly a little terrified) at the prospect of being parents. During Valentine’s Day weekend, on Saturday to be precise, I found out I was pregnant. To celebrate both the baby and Valentine’s Day, my husband booked a hotel room and took me away for the night. It was very sweet, but I could not shake the feeling something was wrong.
I told only a few very close friends and some family, and set an appointment for the following Monday to get checked out at the doctor before announcing it to everyone. On Sunday, I lost the baby. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt. It was a two hour drive home and I sobbed most of the way. I was shocked and wondered how to cope. I spent that night lying on the couch, crying and wondering how I felt so attached to a little baby I had only known about for one day, and how I was going to be able to function the next day, and the day after that. It was a horrible night.
I went to a free clinic Monday to make sure, and to see if I was ok. They confirmed it, I was no longer pregnant.
I also felt a lot of pain because several women who are very close to me are pregnant. Every time I see them or spoke to them, it was a fresh reminder that I was no longer a mommy. One of the pregnant women in my life is actually my own mother. She has been such a rock in my life, and especially now it is nice to be able to talk to someone who has been through this and knows what it feels like. One day last week, she gave me a bracelet that I have worn every day since. It is called A Bracelet of Hope, from Our Hope Place. It is for women who have had a miscarriage and is a visible reminder that we aren’t alone. The two ladies who run Our Hope Place say, “Our goal is to allow people to smile again. To dream. To hope.”
So with this bracelet, I still feel devastated. When I see babies, I still feel a twinge of longing. When baby samples I signed up for come in the mail, I still cry. Sometimes, I just cry. But one thing I am not, is alone. Someone cares, and it’s not just my mother who got me the bracelet. The bracelet was just another reminder that God has a beautiful plan for our lives, I just can’t see the big picture right now. It makes me feel better to think that maybe my baby was just so precious and wonderful that God just wanted to keep him or her with Him. I don’t really know.
So, here I am talking about it. I bet somewhere else out there is a woman who thinks she alone, and if you are her I want you to know that you’re not ever alone. People do care, and most importantly God cares.