Logan was born on February (you can read my extraordinarily long birth story here) and I had the presence of mind when I was there to take notes on my phone because I knew I would want to blog about it, so here are my unedited notes I took on my phone the first few days after Logan was born.

Day 1 Postpartum

Breastfeeding is uber uncomfortable when he latches on, but the afterbirth pains are way worse than the breastfeeding itself. They are like contractions all over again. Seriously.

Logan woke up every two hours until this morning when he slept almost 4 hours. When he did wake up he didn’t cry, he just cooed happily and once he said “wah” but totally wasn’t crying. It was so funny. Once he was a little more vocal but that was when he had wiggled one arm out of his swaddling, he hasn’t been able to sleep except when he is swaddled thus far. 

They were worried about his blood sugar being low so they were really insistent that he eat every two hours, now that they are done with that because he was within normal range I figured that I’ll let feeding be a little more Logan directed. 

Now that my milk has come in (with a vengeance, boobs are killing me) he is very enthusiastic about nursing, he totally wasn’t before and that did worry me. 

The nursery workers said that he has surprised everyone. First he peed a TON during his circumcision, which surprised even the doctor who has been doing this for a long time. I think they said 20 years? Then he has been super alert all day and not fussy, he’s been nursing like a champ and happy all day. 

4pm

When Autumn walked in of course he was nursing (not how I planned it) and Autumn wanted to know where baby Logan was so I showed her and explained that I he was drinking the special milk that mommies make for their babies. She nodded, still looked confused, and asked where the milk was so I told her it was inside of my breast. That she did accept and she moved on. I had this big plan, and honestly I can’t even remember it anymore. Everything is perfect, she loved him and it was perfect.

Whenever he made noise she would say tenderly, “Oh Logan! It’s okay. Everything’s alright. Shh baby you don’t need to cry.” When he would coo she would ask with with wonder, “What is he saying to me?”. 

10pm

Apparently Logan wants to nurse then use my boob as a pillow. It’s so adorable. He just looks so content like he could stay there forever. Moments like this make the pain and aches and weird body things worth it. 

2am

Ian got up and got Logan for me. He changed him and rocked him and brought him to me and I just felt so loved. The way he keeps looking at me is so different than anything I’ve ever experienced. When Autumn was born Jonathan was so aloof, so checked out and I was so exhausted that I couldn’t try to bridge the gap between us. I could barely hold me together. This time, we are a team. It’s not “the baby” it’s “our baby.” Ian is so madly in love with him. It’s how I always pictured being a new mom would be, like how I wanted it to be the first time.

Day 2

8am 

I have been discharged but we are waiting on the pediatrician to give us the green light for Logan to go home too. He isn’t even going to be in the hospital until 11. Ugh. 

Ian said something that made me so happy. He looked at Logan and said “Are you sure I can’t take him to work and put him in my toolbox so I can look at him all night?” It was adorable. He ever offered to line the bottom drawer with clean shop rags for him, but we decided that since khan would get hungry it might not be a great idea. I promised to send him pictures. When Autumn was born everything was so tense and Jonathan was so aloof, it was horrible. 

11:15 am

We are on the way home. So tired. Going to pick up McDonald’s on the way home, I’m glad I have freezer meals at home because there is no way food is getting made if it takes energy. Sarah is bringing Autumn home in a little bit, so we have a few hours. Logan is asleep.

Logan slept as soon as we got in the car and he’s still sleeping so we are getting in the shower. Ian told me that I am so beautiful and he doesn’t have any words, which I understood. I can’t even describe how this feels. I know it’s probably adrenaline, but I’m actually okay.

Notes from Later

Those first few days, I was really great. Of course, I had the crazy crying jags that everyone gets because of the rush of hormones after you deliver, but surprisingly I was awesome. I spent so much time preparing everything, cleaning, organizing, stockpiling the household goods and training Autumn to be as ready for Logan as we could make her that I was very well setup when Logan was finally born.

At first I didn’t cloth diaper, my family had bought me a lot of diapers in newborn and size 1 for our diaper stockpile so I wouldn’t have to use my energy doing extra laundry. I was still exhausted, but having the freezer full helped a ton and being able to take my own advice about how to help myself heal after the birth was great.

Next time people give you the scary talk about how hard it is after your baby is born – please remember this. It is hard. You will probably be exhausted, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t wonderful too. That doesn’t mean it isn’t great. Every stage has it’s challenges and its beautiful things. Don’t be discouraged.