I don’t know if the circumstances surrounding the baby made losing him easier or harder. My relationship with Ian at the time being so strained, my unstable finances, and the fact that I knew my family would strongly disapprove (to put it mildly), all played a part in the grieving process and my feelings.
Someone said to me that it must have been a relief to not have to keep a baby I didn’t want, but the thought horrified and enraged me. I hadn’t planned for this baby, but I definitely wanted it. I loved it as much as if I had been planning and waiting for him for months. Because my little baby was an unexpected surprise, I felt a different bond with him than I had with my daughter. It was like getting a gift you didn’t know was coming in the mail, a surprise package that was just sent out of the kindness of someone’s heart instead of obligation due to a holiday or birthday. He was my little baby straight from heaven.
The Process and Feelings of Grieving
I’m not ‘over’ losing the baby. I’m still not okay and don’t anticipate being that way for quite a while. But every day, the pain changes into something I can learn to live with a little more. It doesn’t hurt any less, it just hurts differently.
Some days all I want is to stay in bed, but thankfully I have a daughter who thinks that’s no fun, so she keeps me going. Some days, all I want is to hold my little baby in my arms, just for a minute. Other days, I’m thankful that I only have one little person to care for and I can almost be okay with the thought of him being gone. Sometimes I’m unfathomably angry because I am a loving mother who wanted to keep her baby, and I can’t understand why God would take my child.
The other day I found a journal I started during the pregnancy and couldn’t stop crying, but most days I am okay. Sometimes, I think of my lost little one and take a few deep breaths before going on with my day. Now, almost a year later, I can go weeks and sometimes months without thinking about it.
Coping and Learning to Live Again
I know there are countless women out there who have lost children. Everyone deals with it differently, and there isn’t one right way to go about it. There is no magic formula to make it stop hurting, to make you forget or to make it better somehow. Here are some words of wisdom from my own experiences, and things that other couples and women told me that helped me through.
- Whatever you’re feeling is normal. Whether you’re angry, depressed, relieved, numb or if you don’t know how you feel, it is perfectly normal,and it’s okay.
- It’s not okay now, but eventually it will be. Just focus on getting through right now, do what you have to do and don’t worry about the rest.
- You aren’t alone. Whatever the situations of your loss were, there are many of us out there who feel your pain. We know what it’s like because we know all about the spot in your soul that got ripped away and you’re not sure will ever be mended. We’re here too, and we love you so much.